Improv and Dating w/ James Abraham
“Whatever you feel yourself starting to worry about, stop thinking about it. In fact, don’t think about anything.”
James Abraham is a writer, creative and comedian, based in London. He studied improv with The Free Association and Second City.
What did the improviser say when their date asked if they knew what a beach was made of?
“Yeah, sand.”
If I have any useful wisdom to impart it’s this: never, ever tell that joke on a date. Or in an improv class. In fact, never mention it again - it’ll be our little secret.
Here’s another not-so-little secret: dating can be hard, and so can relationships. Beyond the core principles like ‘Yes, and…’ (yeah, sand… get it? You did? Just didn’t like it? Fine), I think the playfulness, positivity and communication skills I’ve explored through improv can be used to create a better experience of dating and relationships. Trust me - I’m a veteran of the London dating scene. And, in case you don’t trust me (because I’m a veteran of the London dating scene), I have called on a qualified expert: relationship coach and therapist, and my real-life actual mother, Claire Thomson. And no, she is nothing like Gillian Anderson in Sex Education.
Are you a good listener? Oh...sorry, I didn’t hear your reply, I was too busy thinking about what to write next (and also that’s not how the written medium works). In improv, we’re taught that the key to building a great scene is listening. You might get a laugh if you spend your time on stage ignoring the scene around you to think of one killer line but, without listening, your scenes will become confused, unsatisfying for the audience, and your teammates will quickly become ex-teammates. So why do improvisers still forget to listen? In my own experience, it’s nerves and the pressure to make something happen. Rob Riggle, the American Improviser & Actor, was probably talking about me when he said:
“When you improvise, you put a lot of pressure on yourself to create, and to be generating information, and trying to be funny, but if you just listen to what’s being said to you, and then react honestly, you generally get better results.”
Seriously, has Hollywood actor Rob Riggle been secretly sitting one booth over from me in [name of regular date spot redacted due to its ongoing use] taking notes? Because I definitely feel that pressure on dates, as well as on stage. According to relationship expert (and, again, my actual mum) Claire Thomson, I’m not alone:
“Many people approach a first date wanting to impress and feeling nervous. Under first date stress, we all become exaggerated versions of ourselves. Those that talk, talk, and those that hang back, hang back.”
Though it may be occasionally fun to be regaled with exciting tales of oh, I don’t know, what your date did, word for word, in their improv show last night, anyone will eventually tire of feeling undervalued and overlooked. Claire coaches her clients that “if your date talks to you, but never to you about you” this is a “red flag worth noting”.
If you’re a nervous talker, like me, improv and dating experts have the same advice: try listening. Ask questions, actively listen, and react honestly. It sounds like it should be second nature, but it’s often the first thing that disappears out the window when nerves kick in.
So, what about those who more naturally hang back? As Claire puts it some people “tend to pull out all the stops to listen and empathise” rather than putting themselves forward. To make their dating experiences more balanced, they “need to ‘claim’ more air space and be confident to talk about themselves”. Sound scary? Improv can help.
Every improviser knows what it’s like to get an idea for the perfect next move but, in a moment of doubt, holds themselves back. And then, suddenly, the moment’s gone, the scene’s moved on. To combat this, we’re taught to be brave, trust our instincts and commit full-heartedly without letting fear or doubt get in our way. Improv can be a playground to express what’s on the top of your mind, unfiltered and unrestrained. And the great thing is that you can use that practice to become more authentic and available in real life, even on dates.
Authenticity is, after all, what we should be all aiming for. Authenticity is what audiences connect with, what our dates are attracted to, and what makes us feel like we are truly being ourselves. Being authentic - not over-talking, not hiding yourself - is vulnerable, and takes bravery.
So, how do you start trying to pivot from nerves to this brave, new authentic world? Well, one lesson from improv on how to keep nerves partially at bay is: stop it. Whatever you feel yourself starting to worry about, stop thinking about it. In fact, don’t think about anything. Instead, stay present and fully focussed on what is happening in the moment. Stop worrying about what you’re going to say next, or whether that’s Hollywood actor Rob Riggle sitting in the next booth, or whether you’ll console yourself with double chocolate cookies after your date goes terribly because YOU WEREN’T BEING PRESENT. Improv offers the opportunity, through playful exercises and time on stage, to develop this vital skill.
When I asked Claire (a.k.a. my mum, who worryingly tells me she really likes Gillian Anderson’s character in Sex Education) what the successful couples that she has worked with had in common, she said:
“Successful couples have an inherent sense of respect for one another, are caring and considerate to each other which they demonstrate daily. This gives couples that lovely secure feeling that they are loved, valued and that their partner has their back.”
This goes straight to the heart of why improv is special - before a performance, every improviser will look each teammate in the eye and tell them ‘I’ve got your back’. That message of support and trust is essential in creating an atmosphere where performers are able to be brave enough to be honest, calm enough to listen and, hopefully, able to create something amazing together. If you can take that ethos into your romantic life, you might just be on to a winner.
Failing that, improv will also make you much funnier, and who doesn’t like that?
If you want to hear more about our improv classes - click here for info on our next term! We offer diversity scholarships for every level, so money is no object.
If you have an interesting story on how improv has helped or is helping you in the real world, please complete the form at www.thefreeassociation.co.uk/improv-in-real-life
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